FIVE REASONS SOCIETY THINKS I'M FAT // MICHELLE GOFF

*All names have been replaced for confidentiality.

1.
She was sitting in the mall with her "friends", the girls who act like they get along but really don't. They were eating dinner. She had always been a bit overweight. It was a genetic trait passed down from her mother's side of the family. She could eat all the healthy food she wanted but it would never make a difference. Remembering all the family get-togethers only spurred her further towards unhealthy eating to lose weight.

All the other girls were eating slices of greasy pizza, but they could afford it with their stick- skinny figures. She sat eating a salad that was slowly turning brown in the warm air. She moved the lettuce pieces back and forth with her fork. She thought about how much easier it would be to just eat whatever she wanted and then throw it back up after she had enjoyed it.

"Just eat a piece of pizza." Her friends kept telling her, "It's not like your figure can get much worse…"

She looked down at the ground and willed herself not to cry. This is how it had always been. How it always would be, she corrected herself. She forced the remaining salad down her throat and choked on the slimy pieces of spinach that stuck to the roof of her mouth.

The other girls giggled at her discomfort.

Kristen*, the girl across the table from her, smiled wide and shouted, "Short fry, maybe next time you just won't get food at all." Kristen's black hair swung lightly in its ponytail holder as she stared her down. The piercing gaze sent her into a tailspin and she gave in to look at her now empty plate.

"I thought so," said Jenna*, the blonde at the end of the table, "She has no guts anyway…except for the ones spilling over her jeans."

They spent the rest of the afternoon flitting from store to store grabbing up clothing as if they were birds of prey snatching up mice and rabbits for dinner. Kristen, Jenna, and Abby* would jockey each other for the best dressing room while she sat outside waiting to see their new outfits and compliment them even if they looked hideous.

She never picked up any clothing until that day. For some reason she had the urge to prove them wrong about her size, even though she knew they were right, that she was fat and ugly. She went back into the body of the store and caught sight of a pleated, plaid skirt in blue. She looked for a size eight and marveled at the chain that hung latched from two loops of fabric on the waist line.

She strode back to the dressing rooms and took the last available one. As she slipped off her pants she heard one of the other doors open. Abby's voice carried through her door, "Lilly*, where are you?"

Lilly went stone still. Her breath got stuck in her throat. It was as if she was paralyzed by the realization that she was trying on a skirt and expected these girls to compliment her like she complimented them. She began to pull her pants back up only to have it dawn on her that she didn't care what they thought. If the skirt fit she would buy it whether or not the other three girls liked it.

Resolutely she grabbed the skirt and shimmied it up her legs so that it sat around her waist. She heard the other girls start to open their doors while Abby continued to call out her name. Lilly zipped up and buttoned the top closed. She turned to look in the mirror and saw that it complimented her slightly. It wasn't made for her; it didn't make her any less ugly or any more attractive. She walked out the door and tapped Jenna on the shoulder.

"I'm right here guys."

They all turned to look at her. Kristen's pink jeans were too tight for her and her blue shirt was only partially buttoned showing off a bit of her stomach. Jenna had a purple scarf tied around her neck. She looked frazzled like she hadn't had enough time to make the clothing lay just right around her curved figure. And Abby. Well, Abby was wearing khakis that were falling off her body. She had a pink cardigan sweater on that lay limply across her shoulders and hung so low Lilly could almost make out the training bra underneath. All of their mouths hung open. Abby's in disgust, Jenna's in amazement, and Kristen's in anger. Each set of eyes was trained on her skirt.

Lilly giggled.

"I'm going to guess that means you like it." Lilly flounced back into the dressing room, changed back into her clothing, and set off to purchase her first ever shopping spree piece.

The next day in school her three friends commented on how her thighs were too visible with the skirt on. They complained about seeing the fat of her legs jiggling as she walked. They said her butt was too big and that she'd better hope boys didn't try to look up her skirt when she was climbing the stairs. They joked about how the blue of the material made her legs look green.

Completely humiliated, Lilly didn't go to lunch. She hid herself away in her 8th grade classroom and spent the half hour wiping the tears from her cheeks.

2.
It was three weeks before his junior prom and she had gone out dress shopping. She couldn't zip up any of the dresses by herself, instead resorting to asking the gay man working behind the counter to help her fit her large chest into the skimpy fabrics.

"Honey, you are not going to fit into a thirteen with those…" He looked down at her chest and back up at the crestfallen look on her face. Her mom and boyfriend sat outside the dressing room waiting to see the beautiful gowns that just didn't look beautiful on her. The first dress was finally zipped up ("Hun, I'mma have to give you a 17"). She walked out, the red fabric shimmered in the lighting of the room. Her mother's mouth dropped and she showed appreciation over the dress' cut and color. Her boyfriend only frowned. He walked over and leaned close to her ear, "Is there any others back there in your size that won't make you look like a hot air balloon?"

She blushed in humiliation. Her face matched the color of the dress and she ran quickly back into the fitting room to try on dress - after - dress. None of them fit like the red one had. They fell off because they were too big, the color set of her skin tone making her look sick, the bodice was too tight, it made her look fat. She was on the last dress.

She pulled it from it's covering and noticed quickly the blue bead work against the backdrop of a purple satin bunched in a fishtail fashion. She slipped it on and it fit perfectly. She smiled at herself in the mirror, noting the elegant streamline of the fabric against her sides and how the color brought out the brown of her eyes. She walked out. The man who had helped her before whistled in appreciation. Her mother clapped, crying out that it was the perfect dress. Her boyfriend looked at the price tag.

The dress went back into the bag and was returned to its spot on the shelf. She realized that her boyfriend didn't think she was worth a two hundred dollar dress. Shame painted her face red again. She went back into the fitting room to put on her baggy sweatshirt and jeans.

"I guess we'll have to settle for the red one. It's a good thing you are my date because no one else would put up with you looking like a frump on their prom night." He gave Lilly a once over and then pulled her into a hug. She was slightly repulsed. She didn't want him touching her after what he had just said.

He patted her hair, "Remember, no one else will ever love you as much as I do. No one else ever could and no one else ever will."

Her eyes watered as he walked away and a silent tear rolled down her face. She knew she wasn't attractive, she knew he was the only guy who would ever love her. She hated love. It made her bitter. Trapped. She felt trapped. All because of her stupid body. All because no one else would ever appreciate her for her brain or her humor. Lilly thought to herself, It seems as though fat girls always finish last.

3.
"Girls can't do karate, especially girls with asthma and who are overweight," the man taking over for her normal instructor crooned at her.

"Why don't you just give up, girl?"

She looked down at the blue mats on the floor as he punched at her forcing her to move and react. She hated this man. This skinny, tall man with all his stereotypes and his perfect hair and teeth.

He stepped on her foot and whacked her over the head with his hand.

"Never leave your feet unguarded girl. And always block your head from attack or you might lose more brain cells than you have."

He puffed out a breath of air in an almost laugh and advanced on her again. She kicked out at him as he pivoted out of the way. Her kick didn't connect so she sprawled face fist across the floor. She could feel her nose swelling.

"Good job, you little brat. Now you're ugly too," he sneered at her. She stood back up and went after him again. His words only agitated her further as she restarted her assault.

He thought she was fat, that she was worthless because of her asthma, that she was just a girl and that girls could never amount to anything. He never used her name. She remembered how she had told him a million times to call her Lilly. She was a human with feelings. Just because he was a chauvinistic pig didn't mean she was worthless. Lilly decided in that split second that she would prove him wrong. She kicked him in the chest when he wasn't looking. He fell backwards into the wall and she hit him over the head while standing on his foot. He deserved just as much as he gave. He slammed back into the wood paneling and she started removing her sparring gear. She was done with this and would return when her instructor came back.

The man looked up from the ground and noticed her leaving. Lilly saw that his eyes were slightly glazed and he had to shake himself to regain control of his body.

"Hey, Lazy, come back and finish the lesson," he demanded.

Lilly just kept walking.

4.
She was at an impromptu party at one of her guy friends' houses and her new crush was there. He was tall and muscular and she loved him for his talents, his jokes and the way he treated her.

"Wanna get out of here?" he asked her.

"Yeah, just let me get my stuff."

She hurried off to gather her coat and purse from the adjacent room. She heard the guys start to laugh and when she came back into the sitting area they were all patting him on the back. She said her goodbyes, hugging each boy in turn, and then felt a knot tighten in the pit of her stomach.

She thought about the possible reasons for the boys' reactions when Peter had said he was leaving with her. It slowly dawned on her that he might just ask her out. Butterflies erupted and tingled across her whole body. Lilly could feel the swooping sensation in her chest and the way that her skin tickled whenever he touched her inadvertently as they walked down the driveway to his car. She hopped into the passenger's seat and he started to drive. Lilly didn't really care where they went as long as she was with him.

He made small talk asking her about school and her summer plans as he whooshed around the twists and turns of the suburban jungle roads. She wondered silently where he was taking her, that was until they stopped in front of her house and he got out to walk her to her door. She was a bit disappointed by the fact that he had taken her home. He opened the door for her and she jumped out feigning that she had known he was taking her here all along. The walk up the driveway was quiet though and she could sense Peter's unease. It was like a cloud of fog had slowed his movements and blocked his vision because he was starting to lag behind her. Then he spotted her little crap car in the driveway, the champagne colored Kia Spectra sat, a tin can in the moonlight. It's beetle like body glimmered slightly under the stars. She loved it.

"So this is the car your dad bought you?"

"Yeah," She said proudly, "Want to check it out?"

They walked over to the front bumper and he leaned against it, beckoning her forward. She obliged and he wrapped her in a hug. Peter's nose bumped hers and then they were kissing. Lilly had never kissed someone like him. Never had she had someone be so gentle with her. Other boys had ripped at her lips with their teeth and tried to remove her clothes. It was nice to not feel pressured, to not be abused, to feel loved.

"Would you like to go back to the car?" he asked.

"Why?" She looked up at him puzzled by his change in the direction of their activities.

"Because I don't know how far this is going to go…" He trailed off at the hurt that was now apparent in her eyes. She pushed away from him as he grabbed for her elbow. But he was too slow. She had already backed up a few paces.

"Let me explain," he demanded, "You don't understand, I don't. . ."

She ran into the house and shut the door in his face before she could hear the rest of his sentence.

The next morning, after crying herself to sleep, she found a message on the voicemail of her phone, "I guess you're not into casual sex, even though I thought that was all you could get with the way you look."

She went into the bathroom to get ready for the day. The tiles felt cold under her feet. Against her better judgment she looked in the mirror. The mascara she had put on last night trailed down her face like her tears had the night before. Her eye shadow was smeared high on her cheek bones. Lilly rubbed at her face with a wet tissue, but noticing its uselessness decided to jump in the shower. The dirt and grime from the night before sluiced off under the pressure of the water raining down on her head. She felt contaminated. No one could ever love her. She was damaged. They thought she was experienced but she had never slept with a boy, in either sense of the phrase.

Scrubbing at her skin could never remove this new reputation. She could never go back to be with them. They would never treat her the way they had before. The soap she lathered into her hair just made her feel worse. The suds didn't cleanse her. After trying to wash herself she stood beneath the water trying to relax the new tension she felt growing between her shoulder blades. She shivered as the water started to run cold and she turned the tap. The water splashed against her ankles and then petered out. She grabbed her towel from the rack and started to dry her body off with the soft material, watching as the drops were wiped from her skin and wrangled from her hair. She started to step out of the tub, but catching her reflection in the mirror again decided instead to step up onto the ledge of the tub to look at herself full length.

The first thing she saw was the roll of fat at the base of her stomach. Lilly pinched it between her fingers and sighed. She noted the stretch lines on her thighs, looked at the muscle rippling in her arms and groaned. She felt the love handles at her waist and turned to see the way her butt seemed to sag like the bags that had started to form under her eyes. She zeroed in on her cheek bones and realized that she was white as a linen sheet instead of tanned like her other friends.

Lilly lowered herself to sit upon the lip of the tub and buried her face in her hands.

5.
"It's okay to be me, it's okay to be different," he roared at the class. Lilly had heard him say this a thousand times. He was right. She knew he was.

But, that didn't change the magazines, the models, the stigma. It didn't change the way that people looked at her. It would never change the way people judged her without getting to know her. At this point in her life she had developed a tougher skin, a sharper tongue, and bitterness. She wasn't proud of it.

She looked at him. He was confident. He held himself with a purpose and a strength she envied and wanted to possess. He had never looked down at her. Never told her she was useless. He had truly earned her respect. If only she could be more like him.

Self-assured. That was the word she was looking for. Lilly wrote this hyphenated characteristic across the back of her hand.

She was dating a new boy now. She was in college. She could start all over if she wanted to. So what was stopping her? Dr. Stoker* was right. She listened as the he continued to regal the class with information, but her pen had stopped scraping across the paper. She was lost in this new idea that was now churning through her whole body.

She stood up and left the room. She saw Dr. Stoker glance at her. Lilly could have been wrong but, she swore he had smiled and that his eyes had clearly relayed the message that he was happy that the idea had clicked for her. Lilly's bag bumped against her hip as she rushed to the stairs and started to run down to the main floor of the library. She felt her chest tighten and her head spin. Sitting on the bottom of the steps she started to laugh. Her breath continued to hitch. People passing by stopped to watch and started to worry about her sanity. She could tell by the way that they were whispering to each other and pointing at her.

"Are you okay?" one man asked her as he approached cautiously. It was almost like he was afraid she would fright from contact and run away like a cornered animal.

"I'm fine," she responded between hiccupping giggles.

"Why are you laughing?" he continued his face scrunched up a bit in concentration.

"I just realized it's okay to be me." He looked at her quizzically and she started to laugh again with more gusto than before. He backed up a few steps and then disappeared.

She wiped at the tears now forming in her eyes and noticed the word "Self-assured" still written across the back of her hand in neat, black letters. She couldn't help but laugh at her stupidity over the years. She had known all along that she wasn't perfect, but who was? She just had to be happy with who she was. It didn't matter what anybody else thought of her.



Michelle Goff is a senior English/Secondary Education Major who has an affection for waxing poetic lines and witty banter. Her love lies within the pages of Harry Potter books with the enigmatic Professor Severus Snape.