Casting Call

samantha murray

 

 

 

SCENE ONE: THE CASTING ROOM

(Lights come up on a stage in an audition room. Amanda is standing by her chair reading her script. The director enters from the doorway and sees Amanda sitting there. Startled, he walks over to her.)


DIRECTOR:
(In a slight whisper)
Babe, what are you doing here?


AMANDA:
What? Can’t a girl surprise her boyfriend occasionally?

 

DIRECTOR:
At my job, though?

AMANDA:
Well, you know how I feel about Shakespeare. I figured why not go out on a whim an audition. After all, (teasing him), I have some pretty good connections… (She caresses his shoulder)

DIRECTOR:
(Shrugging her off) Don’t do that.

 

(Amanda gets visibly upset. She sits down and begins to look over her script. The director goes behind the chair and looks around before placing his hands on her shoulders)

 

DIRECTOR:

You know, I think I know a girl who would make a great Katherine…

 

AMANDA:
(Laughs) But there’s so many other girls here. (Teasing him) How can you be so sure?

 

DIRECTOR:
Nail this audition, and I might be able to pull a few strings for you. I am the director after all.

 

AMANDA:
(Sarcastically) You don’t say?

 

(The two laugh together before stopping and looking around to see if anyone else was watching)

DIRECTOR:
Alright, I got to get back in. I’ll see you soon. What number are you?

 

AMANDA:
118

DIRECTOR:
Right, well I’ll see you soon, Miss. 118.

(He begins to leave. Gets to the door, turns and looks back at Amanda who was watching him)

Oh, Happy 6th months Amanda. I’m looking forward to tonight.

 

(The director exits the stage. A moment later, three other girls enter the scene and take seats next to Amanda. Each with a very distinct look about them, they sit with their script in their hand. Suddenly, at once, they each receive a text message. The girls open their message and begin to respond when the director opens the door and is heard off stage speaking)

 

DIRECTOR: (O.S)
Man, there’s a lot of women out here now. I might miss my appointment later.


(The door opens. At the sound of his voice, each of the girls straight up and smile towards the door-anticipating that they could be called in next for the audition)


Number 78 through 85 please. We’ll get through the rest of the list as quickly as possible.

 

(The door shuts. The girls, who have been standing straight and tall while the director was speaking, simultaneously slump back in their chairs. Iris, a streetwise native to the city with a thick NY accent stands up and starts walking around the stage memorizing her lines)

 

IRIS:

(In a bad British accent, she looks at the script holds it down, attempting to memorize)

“Too dark for such a swain as he to catch, And yet as weight as my heavy…”

 

(She looks at her script to see if she got it right)

 

Dammit.

 

(She clears her throat-attempted to do it again)

 

Too light for such a swain as you to catch, and yet as weight as my heavy…”

 

(she looks at her script again)

 

FUCK!

 

(The other three girls are startled by this. Iris, frustrated, sits back down and turns towards Amanda)

 

Who the hell writes this shit anyway?

 

(Amanda looks up from her script. She’s very sweet, genuine and kind girl. Has an “All American Girl” look to her. So far, she’s tried the hardest to keep to herself and not focus on Iris while she was rehearsing. She’s extremely shy)

 

AMANDA:

Huh?

 

IRIS:
This script! Who writes this kind of crap?

 

AMANDA:

Shakespeare?


IRIS:

Neva been a fan of him. I mean, this Katherine girl, is like always angry. I mean always angry. Like, why doesn’t she go to like an anger management class instead of marrying this guy right? And what kind of name is Petruchio? If I met a guy at a bar and his name was Petruchio I’d probably punch him for sounding so dumb. And why does Katherine have to be British? Why can’t she be from someplace betta like…

 

(She thinks about this for a second)

 

Brooklyn!

 

AMANDA:

Brooklyn?

 

IRIS:

(Sighs like she’s in love) Yeah...Brooklyn

 

AMANDA:

(Confused) Why Brooklyn?

 

IRIS:

(Overly offended and very dramatic) Why. Brooklyn? Brooklyn is the center of New York! I mean people of all different races, ethnicities, sexualities-they all come here-to Brooklyn! Don’t let people tell you it’s Manhattan or Queens or Washington Heights because they’re wrong-it’s Brooklyn-trust me. Brooklyn is filled with life! It’s like, I walk down the streets and know someone, or know someone who knows that someone, or knows someone who knows someone who knows someone! It’s like we’re all connected! It’s loud and exciting, it never stops moving. (she stands up, and walks center stage, like she’s about to recite a dramatic monologue). Brooklyn. Is the greatest place. In. the. World.

 

(Iris stands proud. Amanda looks at her-even more confused than she was before)

 

AMANDA:

So... I take it you’re from Brooklyn?

 

IRIS:

(Extremely flattered) Oh could you tell?! Brooklyn girl born and raised right here. You know I never left? My family is from Brooklyn, my friends, my boyfriend grew up in Brooklyn… (she looks at Amanda and extends her hand to her) I’m Iris.

 

AMANDA:

(Takes Iris’s hand). Amanda

 

(Marybeth, the blonde to the left of Iris, has been listening to this conversation the entire time. She’s a simple girl from the south. Has a southern accent, and at times, can be very dumb)?

 

MARYBETH:
(Excited and eager) I personally love New York City. Like the big lights in Times Square? (Marybeth looks front, reminiscing). They remind me of when my daddy would let my brothers and I stay up late to watch the ball drop on our TV back in Tennessee. (Back to the girls) You know, like for New Years? (Back to the front) We weren’t allowed to watch television much, on a count of how he thought TV would rot our minds. But every New Year’s Momma would convince him to let us watch the big crystal ball drop in New York.


(She looks at the Iris and Amanda)


But Times Square in real life is even better in person! It’s like living inside of my very own TV screen! And I’ve never even been in a taxi before movin’ here too! The drivers are always yellin’ at each other on road


(she puffs out her chest to mimic a tough taxi driver-her voice drops but still has the Southern Twang)

 

“Get out of the road you mother fffer! Where the “f” was the turn signal you “D” wad. Will you stop blowing your gosh darn horn?!”


(She looks to Iris and Amanda for some sort of approval. They look at her in disbelief)

 

IRIS:
(Questioning tone) “Mother fffer”, “Gosh Darn?”…..(scoffs) You really aren’t from New York.

 

MARYBETH:
(Proud) Momma raised me to be a lady. I don’t believe in cursin’, it’s just fun to listen to others. Like, the other day when I was shopping and some lady yelled at this man for trying to sell her some nice bargain priced-bags. I felt so bad for him that I bought one of his Birkin Bags for $40! I mean you just can’t find these deals anywhere else right?!

 

IRIS:

(Sarcastically dry) No, you really can’t.

 

MARYBETH:

Well my boyfriend introduced me to all the fancy Starbucks drinks when we first started dating and now I just cannot get enough of the stuff! I’m like a real live New Yorker-all I do is drink coffee!

 

(Marybeth laughs to herself. The last girl, Carrie, looks annoyed. She has been ferociously trying to memorize her lines, but kept stopping to listen to the conversation next to her. Wearing a maxi dress and sandals, she turns over to the girls to speak. She firmly believes she’s better than everyone else)

 

CARRIE:
Personally I think New York is highly overrated.

 

IRIS:
(Snapping back at her) Who asked you anyway?

 

CARRIE:
(Annoyed) I’m just saying, do you ever look up the pollution percentages in this city? Or look at how dirty the subways are? I can’t even grow an herb garden in my backyard for Christ’s Sake!

 

(The other three look at Carrie in disbelief. Carrie, who was in her own world, looks back at the three and realizes they’re all staring)


I’m Carrie, but you can call me (Looks front)-Sunflower

 

(Marybeth looks at her in awe. Amanda looks confused. Iris lets out a big snort and starts laughing. Carrie realizes and shoots Iris a dagger glare)

 

It’s. Not. Funny. Sunflowers were named after the Greek God Helios. Sunflowers are joyous, flamboyant, and known to bring prosperity to all those who come in contact with them.

 

(Iris and Amanda stare at her in disbelief. Marybeth, who’s been invested in Carrie’s story, chimes in)


MARYBETH:
Oh my daddy used to call me sunflower too! On a count of my blonde hair and how it shines in the sunlight. I was his little sunflower in a garden of weeds he’d say to me. (She looks at Carrie and Gasps). Ohmygod! We’re name twins!

 

(Carrie looks at her annoyed. Amanda and Iris giggle at her reaction)

 

IRIS:
(laughing) Guess we should call you Sunflower too then, huh?

 

MARYBETH:
Oh goodness where are my manners. Hi, I’m Marybeth. Pleasure to meet ya’ll

 

IRIS:
I’m Iris.

 

AMANDA:
(slightly raises her hand) Amanda

 

MARYBETH:
(Excited about the fact she’s making friends). Oh isn’t this fun!? I never talk to girls at a casting call. Everyone is always so serious at these things but ya’ll are so sweet! It’s nice to find girls who aren’t taking this so seriously.

 

CARRIE:
(Coldly) Some of us are trying to take this seriously, so if you don’t mind, I appreciate it if you could just…stop talking.


(Marybeth looks hurt by this comment. Iris chimes in to defend her)

 

IRIS:
(To Carrie) Hey, what’d she every do to you huh? She was just trying to be friendly. Lighten up.

 

CARRIE:
(Incredibly over dramatic). I. am. An. artist. There is no such thing as “lightening up” to me. Unlike you, I take this audition very seriously. This could be my big break


IRIS:
What? So you think all of us are here for shits and gigs?

 

CARRIE:
Judging from your accent earlier, I’d say that was pretty accurate.

 

(Iris’s eyes widen. There’s a clear fire lit under her. She becomes angry immediately and snaps at Carrie)

 

IRIS:
Alright. Who the hell do you think you are running your mouth all over this-

(There’s a sudden interruption. The door opens and an offstage voice is heard. Again, the girls straighten up, fix their hair and adjust themselves before the director speaks)


DIRECTOR: (O.S)
Numbers 86 through 95 please. Numbers 86 through 95


(The girls are extremely disappointed. They slunk back in their chairs as the door shuts. They look at each other. There is a slight awkward silence)


AMANDA:
So…what number are you all?


IRIS:
115


MARYBETH:
(Excited) 116!


CARRIE:
(Reluctantly) …117


AMANDA:
And I’m 118. Guess we’re all going to audition together then.

 

IRIS:
(Side eye to Carrie) Great.

 

CARRIE:
(Rolling her eyes) I can’t wait


(Another awkward silence. Carrie and Iris are avoiding eye contact. Marybeth is in the middle, looking back at both of them before deciding to break the silence.)

 

MARYBETH:
(trying to be positive) Would anyone like a cup of coffee?! There’s a machine right outside in the Lobby and I personally think we could all use a nice cup of…

 

(There’s a silence that Marybeth notices)


Well, I’m going to go out and fill my cup up. I’ll be right back.

 

(Marybeth exits. The other three watch her leave then look at each other before returning their gazes to their scripts. Carrie then gets up and starts practicing her lines. Unlike Iris, she can perform in a British accent, but is overly dramatic-yet she thinks she’s clearly the best)

 

CARRIE:
“Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard.”

 

(Beat, as she looks back at her script. She looks to see if the other two girls are listening. They are. She takes a breath before continuing)

 

(clears throat) If I be waspish, best beware my…


(she takes a dramatic pause, but butchers the pronunciation of this next word in a British accent)

 

…Sting!

 

(Carrie takes a dramatic bow before going back to her seat. She looks pleased with herself, until Iris starts laughing)

 

IRIS:
(laughing) Are you for real?! You can’t be serious with that reading. That accent was horrible

 

AMANDA:
(Giggling) I mean to be fair, it is Shakespeare-

 

IRIS:
Yeah well, maybe Katherine doesn’t have to be from England anyways. She could be from someplace betta like…

 

CARRIE:
(Sarcastically) Brooklyn?

 

IRIS:
Exactly!

 

CARRIE:
(Dryly) How original

 

IRIS:
Hey listen, you’re not from around here so I’ll clue you in. Brooklyn is in fact the most-

 

(Marybeth comes rushing back in through the doors like she had three shots of expresso)

 

MARYBETH:
Soooooo what’d I miss y’all? Any gossip or stories shared?

 

AMANDA:
We were talking about the setting of the play. Iris here thinks the director should move the setting to Brooklyn.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh! You think he’d do that?


IRIS:
If I’m his girl, he should do well to cater to my thoughts and feelings about the development growth of this…. important feminist figure in the dramatic arts…

 

AMANDA:

Hmmm…I don’t know if this particular director would let you change things without his permission Iris. (Sneakily) I’ve read some pretty interesting things about him

 

MARYBETH:
What do you mean?

 

AMANDA:
Well I read on BroadwayWorld.com that he likes method actors. You know, the people who eat sleep and breath the part they play? He can be very intense about it too…. he once made a girl smoke cigarettes to help her practice for her part in his show.

 

MARYBETH:
Was her character a drug addict?

 

AMANDA:
No, she had lung cancer. But I did see that show and the girl’s cough was very realistic.

 

(Marybeth nods. Carrie joins in. The tone is clear-she wants to scare these girls a little into thinking the director is a bad person to work with)

 

CARRIE:
That’s nothing compared to what I heard. Apparently this guy could be a huge dick to people. One time, at the premiere of his last play, he told Meryl Streep that she looked fat, and she cried.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh god, that’s terrible. She’s like (beat) America’s Sweetheart!

 

CARRIE:
Uh huh-I heard he’s very full of himself too. Likes to cast himself in his own roles and everything.

 

MARYBETH:
(Gasps in realization) I heard that too! He’s like that Lin-Miranda Manuel guy on Broadway!

 

AMANDA:
You mean Lin-Manuel Miranda?

 

MARYBETH:
Yeah him!

 

(The girls look at her in disbelief…)


What?

 

IRIS:
(Sighs) Anyway…I heard that he…plays for the same team…

 

MARYBETH:
Oh! What sport does he play?!

 

IRIS:
(Looking at her) Uh not like that…I mean he’s…you know…. gay!

 

CARRIE:
(Shocked and Offended) He is NOT gay!

 

IRIS:
How’d you know? Have you ever slept with him?

 

CARRIE:
(Covering her tracks) No… no… god no. I just… I never thought he was I guess I just… assumed he

was straight

 

Amanda:
(Clearly uncomfortable) Where did you read that he was gay?

 

IRIS:
You don’t have to read when you’ve lived in New York for as long as I have. My cousin Jimmy knows a guy who knows another guy who knows this gay couple that owns a bar down in Greenwich Village…. apparently this director has been spotted there. And he’s not there for the cheap drinks either if ya know what I mean.

 

MARYBETH:
(Almost heartbroken) I can’t believe it

 

CARRIE:
(Sharply) I don’t

 

AMANDA:
Why not?

 

CARRIE:
Well I…


(she catches herself, realizing what she’s about to say, then becomes very nervous all of a sudden)


I just don’t ok? Besides (scoffing) not like that’s a reliable source. It probably wasn’t even the director anyway.

 

IRIS:
Whatever. I’m just telling you what I heard

 

(The door opens, and once again the girls quickly adjust themselves and lean towards the opening. From off-stage, the director speaks)

 

DIRECTOR: (O.S)

Numbers 96 through 114 (Beat) 96 through 114

 

(The door closes. The girls all look disappointed. Suddenly, Amanda’s phone buzzes signaling a text message. As the others girls watch, she picks up her phone and smiles at the message before responding)

 

IRIS:
Aww who are you texting that’s making you blush so much?

 

AMANDA:
(Startled) Huh! Oh, it’s nothing.

 

IRIS:
Oh come on, no one looks at their phone like that and it be nothing. Spill!

 

AMANDA:
(Hesitant but excited) Ok. Well, it was from my boyfriend-

 

IRIS:

I knew it!


MARYBETH:
You have a boyfriend?!

 

CARRIE:
What’s he like?

 

(Amanda looks at the girls. She hesitates for a moment if she should tell them the truth. The girls look eagerly at her)

 

AMANDA:
(Suddenly drops her wall and gushes for a moment). He’s great actually. We met on the Staten Island Ferry. It was windy and I had a script for my next audition in my hand…well I tripped and the wind got the best of me and all my papers just flew right out from under me. When I finally caught up to them on the deck, there he was, standing there with my messy script in his hands. He just smiled at me and I swear my heart melted… (Amanda stops and reminisces about the first meeting)

 

MARYBETH:
Oh my god that’s so romantic. Meeting on the Staten Island Ferry…. you’re like the real live Gone with the Wind!

 

IRIS:
SO then what happened?!

 

AMANDA:
(Collecting herself) Well he gave me back my script! God, I must have looked like such a blubbering idiot (laughs to herself)… I mean I don’t even remember speaking before he introduced himself. The whole thing was such a blur you know? But god, He had the most perfect smile… Anyway, he asked me out that day! I guess you could say the rest is history.

 

IRIS:
Man, that reminds me of me and my boyfriend. We met at this local bar down in Queens…I know, who goes to Queens anymore right? But I’m telling you it was fate meeting him that night. I haven’t been this happy with a guy in years

 

MARYBETH:
(Sweetly) Sounds like you’re in love Iris.

 

IRIS:
(Smiles to herself) Yeah, yeah I guess so. God, you know I haven’t even admitted that out loud yet to anyone? But I think I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him.

 

AMANDA:
You met him at a bar?

 

IRIS:
Oh yeah, just this little bar down in Queens-you know the kind you have to be told about in order to get in? Well I liked to go just to sit on the edge of the bar and watch all the people walk by. I feel like I’m watching a moving picture right in front of me, like I’m a part of it all. Anyways, so I’m sitting there having a drink and this guy just came right up and sat next to me. The whole bar was crawling with people, but he plopped himself right next to me and I swore right there he was the one.

 

CARRIE:
You knew right then?

 

IRIS:
Yup, when you feel it in your gut you just know. And he is perfect. He’s Italian, got a big family which is good because you know I want a big family someday. He supports me, takes me out to nice places, spoils me, and most important…he’s from Brooklyn!

 

MARYBETH:
Sounds like a real prince charmin’ there isn’t he?!

 

IRIS:
You better believe it. Just last week he brought me flowers for no reason and took me to Carmines on 2nd Ave. You know, that really expensive steak house-

 

(In her over-dramatic fashion, Carrie lets out a gasp)

 

CARRIE:
You. Went. To Carmines?!

 

IRIS:
(Confused)…Yeah…wanna guess what I ordered too?

 

CARRIE:
(Just as dramatic) How could you support a restaurant that slaughters innocent animals. Baby cows die every day so selfish people like you can have a steak

 

IRIS:
(Turns towards her) Yeah…shame those baby cows taste so. God damn. Good.
(There’s beat. Carrie and Iris turn away from each other. Marybeth, in the middle, chimes in)

 

MARYBETH:
So Carri-I mean, Sunflower, I take it you’re a vegetarian?

 

CARRIE:

(Proudly) I’m a vegan

 

MARYBETH:
What’s a vegan?

 

IRIS:
(Sharply) It means she’s an attention whore

 

(Carrie shoots Iris a dirty look before continuing)

 

CARRIE:
(Clears her throat) It means, Marybeth, that I do not consume any product that comes from animals. It is important the human race protect the Earth’s creatures at all cost.

 

IRIS:
(To Carrie) Haven’t you ever seen the Lion King? It’s the circle of life, eating animals. We eat the animals, then die, turn into the grass yada yada yada…

 

CARRIE:
(Interrupting her and with a sharp tone) I try not to take advice from a cartoon…Anyway (turning back to Marybeth), as a vegan I only eat naturally processed food-rice, beans, vegetables, fresh fruit…although my boyfriend did introduce me to vegan hotdogs.

 

AMANDA:
Your boyfriend is a vegan too?

 

CARRIE:
Oh absolutely. Well, he wasn’t, when we first met.

 

MARYBETH:

What changed his mind?

 

CARRIE:
(Smiling) Well, he always says I showed him the best way to live his life. (Slightly giddy thinking about him) we saw each other from across the room at a poetry slam at this local coffee joint on the edge of Bohemia…I had just finished my piece about the rotting pollution that’s destroying our city. So after I finished he came right up to me immediately and told me how impressed he was with my piece. We ended up talking the rest of the night-I can’t even remember how late we were up until

 

MARYBETH:
What did you talk about?

 

CARRIE:
Oh everything-where we grew up, what we do for a living. I told him about my economic plans for the city and he was so supportive. After telling him I was a vegan he was determined to try it. I didn’t think he would, but he did! We go to a local grocer every Sunday together and buy ingredients for dinner, then we go back to my place and cook together.

 

MARYBETH:
(Exasperated) Oh I wish my boyfriend would cook once in a while!

 

IRIS:
You mean you only cook for him?

 

MARYBETH:
(A little flustered) Well, I mean, I shouldn’t say he doesn’t cook…(laughs a little), he’s just a helpless soul in the kitchen. Poor thing-but I don’t mind cookin’. My momma taught me how to cook, and I like feedin’ people. It makes me feel good, making others happy with what they’re eating.

 

AMANDA:
So do you always cook for your boyfriend?

 

MARYBETH:
Well, he’s always so busy, with his work and all, running all around the city. But he comes over every Friday for a home-cooked meal. Then in the morning, he takes me to Starbucks and buys me a coffee before heading back to the office.

 

IRIS:
Your boyfriend works on Saturdays? Man, that blows.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh it’s not too bad. He’s really good about talkin’ to me all day even when we’re not together.

 

AMANDA:
How’d you two meet?


MARYBETH:
(Excited) A coffee shop!! Can you believe? What are the odds you’d meet the one in a Starbucks in Times Square?! It was my first time in there, and I was so lost with the menu and I guess I was takin’ a while in line to order. Wouldn’t you know he was behind me the whole time? So he taps me on my shoulder and asks me if I would like some advice on what to order. He was so handsome (giggles) I could hardly get any words out.

 

CARRIE:
What did you order?!

 

MARYBETH:
He told me to order a caramel latte with whipped cream on the top. SO I did, and when I got my cup the person making my drink also gave me a napkin with a number on it-and it was his! So I texted him that day and then we met for coffee a week later. We’ve been together ever since!

 

AMANDA:
How long have you been dating?

 

MARYBETH:
It’ll be six months this March!

 

IRIS:
Wait, my anniversary is in March! What’s the date?!

 

MARYBETH:
March 10th!

 

IRIS:
March 15th!

 

CARRIE:
Mine is March 21st.

 

IRIS:
No. Way.

 

CARRIE:
It’s true, and it’s been six months too.

 

IRIS:
Mine too. And wait Amanda, did you say your anniversary is tonight? March 2nd?

 

AMANDA:
Yeah. Funny enough, we’re celebrating six months too.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh my god we’re like the Sisterhood of the Travelin’ Pants! You know that movie about the girls and they all fit in the same pair of jeans!? It’s like that, but how we share an anniversary month! We’re sisters!!

 

IRIS:
(Referring to Carrie) Is it too late to put one up for adoption…

 

(Amanda’s phone buzzes. She picks it up and smiles as she answers the message. The other girls are watching)

 

IRIS::
So…is that Mr. Ferry Boat hero now?

 

AMANDA:
(In her own world) Huh? (realizing she was out of it) Oh, yeah sorry. He just finished making our dinner reservations.

 

IRIS:
Ohhh where’s he taking you?

 

CARRIE:
Someplace classier than Carmines I’m sure

 

AMANDA:
(Trying to break some tension) Oh it’s nothing special, just this little Italian restaurant down by the Hudson River.

 

MARYBETH:
Sounds so romantic.

 

AMANDA:
Well it’s where we went on our first date. He loves Italian food, so he wanted to take me to his favorite spot

 

IRIS:
Oh my god is he Italian too?! You know those Italian boys are something else in the way they date a girl. They’re so-

 

AMANDA:
No Iris (laughing) he’s Irish. He just likes this restaurant

 

IRIS:
(A little disappointed) Oh.

 

CARRIE:
Well, come on, let’s see a picture of the Irish Hero!

 

AMANDA:
Oh god, ok, let me see if I can find one.

 

(Amanda goes through her phone before stopping at a picture of her boyfriend. All the other girls sit eagerly as she searches. When Amanda finds the picture, she hands the phone to Iris, who, when taking the phone from her, screams)

 

AMANDA:
What?!

 

IRIS:
(She stands and looks at Amanda, furious) Are you for real?! Are you for fucking real right now?

 

AMANDA:

Iris, what’s wro-

 

IRIS:
Don’t fucking talk. Why the fuck is there a picture of MY boyfriend on your phone?

 

(Amanda is stunned silent)

 

AMANDA:
Wh-what? Your boyfriend-Iris I-

 

IRIS:
What? You think I’m crazy? No one comes in between and my man. We’re handling this Brooklyn style.

 

(Iris begins to take her earrings off to fight Amanda. Marybeth steps in between them)

 

MARYBETH:
Girls girls! Now I’m sure this is just a great big misunderstanding! I mean maybe your boyfriends are… (she gasps in thought) are twins separated at birth!

 

(The rest of the girls just look at her in wonder)

 

I mean, (She grabs Amanda’s phone) what are the odds you two would have the (she looks at the phone) …OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD

 

IRIS:
What?

 

MARYBETH:
Either I’m being punked by Aston Kutcher, or you have a picture of my boyfriend on your phone too!

 

AMANDA AND IRIS:
What?!

 

MARYBETH:
That’s him! I swear it. He has the same blue eyes and slicked back black hair and everything!

 

(Carrie, who has been watching this whole thing take place, begins to laugh)

 

CARRIE:
Leave it to you all to end up with a prick who thinks he can date whoever and however many women he wants. (She gets up) I bet you he’s not even that cute. My boyfriend on the other hand–

 

(she picks up the phone and looks at the picture. Carrie is stunned silent)

 

IRIS:
What? You finally saw what you looked like in the mirror?

 

(Carrie is still staring at the phone, in utter disbelief)

 

Hey. I’m talking to you! Jesus, you got so quiet you didn’t even hear my perfectly timed insult.

 

CARRIE:

(Finally breaking away from the phone) I…no…no this can’t be real. This cannot be happening.

 

AMANDA:
What are you talking about?

 

CARRIE:
(Holding up the phone) that’s my boyfriend on the phone too.

 

AMANDA, IRIS, AND MARYBETH:
Oh my god

 

IRIS:
You know what this means right?

 

MARYBETH:
We’ve all been played

 

CARRIE:
By the same guy

 

(At once, Iris, Marybeth, and Carrie look center and let out cries of hysteria. Each of them begin weeping about the reality of this situation. Amanda, still stunned, remains silent and watches the other girls in the corner)

 

IRIS:
HE TOLD ME HE WAS FROM BROOKLYN

 

CARRIE:
HE ATE AT CARMINES?!

 

MARYBETH:
BUT HE WAS SO NICE WHEN WE WENT FOR COFFEE!

 

IRIS:
WHO LIES ABOUT BROOKLYN?!

 

MARYBETH:
I CAN NEVER DRINK COFFEE AGAIN!!

 

CARRIE:
HE TOLD ME ABOUT VEGAN HOTDOGS…HOTDOGS!!

 

IRIS:
HOW COULD HE LIE TO ME ABOUT BROOKLYN!

 

(The girls continue to sob until Amanda steps in. She’s the only one who’s could keep her composure this whole time. During the other girls’ meltdowns, she comes to realize something. She walks center to get the girl’s attention)

 

AMANDA:
Girls…seriously? Are we really going to get like this?

 

IRIS:
(Sniffling) What? You’re not upset your boyfriend is a two timing, garbage smelling piece of shit?

 

AMANDA:
I mean…

 

IRIS:
Oh, you think you’re better than us or something? Did you know he was double crossin’ us? Were you in on this?

 

AMANDA:
No…no! (Implying something) It’s just, are you all forgetting what we’re here for?

 

(Iris, Carrie and Marybeth look at each other in realization)

 

CARRIE:
Oh my god. The audition.

MARYBETH:
What do we do?

 

AMANDA:
(Smiling to the girls) I think I have an idea. Listen, when we get called in, follow my lead.

 

End Scene One

 

 

(The girls run over and stand in a circle while Amanda speaks and the stage slowly goes to black. In black, the scene shifts to the casting room as we see the director for the first time. He sits in a corner at a table as the lights fade up. He gets up, opens the door and calls out to what is assumed to be the waiting room. He’s tired, annoyed, and in a miserable move)

 

SCENE TWO: THE CASTING ROOM

 

AMANDA:
Numbers 115-118, please come forward. This is the last group for the day. If you’re still waiting, you can come back tomorrow.

 

(The director sits down in his chair and begins to scribble something on his desk. The four girls come through the door in a line with smiles on their faces. They each place their headshot and resume on the table, before standing in a straight line looking his way. The director, paying no mind before, looks up and his face becomes one of shock and utter fear)

 

DIRECTOR:
(Stuttering) L-ladies! Good afternoon…umm. Welcome! Will you just, um, excuse me for one second.

 

(The director goes back to his table. The girls look at each other with such smiles on their faces.)

 

I’ll just be a moment, feel free to talk amongst yourselves (catching what he said) WAIT DON’T. (The girls look at him) Just…just wait patiently. I have to make a phone call

 

(The director goes over to the side and begins to make a phone call. Lights dim on him as he speaks. Meanwhile the girls look at each other and start giggling)

 

IRIS:
(Laughing) Man, I don’t think anything will be as priceless as seeing the look on his face when we all walked in

 

(The director gets off the phone. He then comes into the light and looks at the girls, who are all now staring at him, before searching on his desk for some papers. Amanda looks at him and then looks at the girls before speaking)

 

AMANDA:
(To Iris) Say uh, Iris, was it? Weren’t you telling me about this great… (thinking of something clever to say) …vegan hotdog place near here? I gotta grab something to eat after this.

 

Iris:
(overplaying this as much as possible) Oh yeah…that place was great. Perfect for anyone who’s a (looking at the director) …vegan.

 

(The director looks up as the girls look away at him, pretending to be in their own conversation. He should think he’s mishearing things. At this point, he’s a little nervous)

 

CARRIE:
(Now looking towards the director) Well I know I can go for a nice hot cup of Starbucks Coffee.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh I can’t wait for this to be over. I’m going on a ferry ride. The Staten Island Ferry.

 

(The director immediately looks up at that and stares at the girls, who quickly turn away at his glance. He shakes his head as if he’s imagining something, clears his throat, and begins speaking)

 

DIRECTOR:
Alright well, umm, we should get started (grabbing a resume off the desk). Amanda, will you please step forward and read for Katherine?

 

(The director sits at his desk)

 

AMANDA:
(Whispering to the girls) Watch for my signal.

 

CARRIE:
What are we going to do? He’s not catching on yet!

 

AMANDA:
Just…make something up.

 

DIRECTOR:
(Impatiently) Amanda, please step forward.

 

AMANDA:
(Stepping forward and holding her script) Where from?

 

DIRECTOR:
Take it from “Well ta'en, and like a buzzard.” I’ll read Petruchio

 

CARRIE:

 

(under her breath and annoyed)

 

Probably already casted himself there anyway…

 

AMANDA:

 

(Looks at Carrie to motion to stop before she begins to recite the lines from the show.)

 

“Well ta'en, and like a buzzard”

 

DIRECTOR:
“O slow-winged turtle, shall a buzzard take thee?”

 

AMANDA:
“Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard”

 

DIRECTOR:
“Come, come, you wasp. I' faith, you are too angry”

 

AMANDA:
“If I be waspish, best beware my sting.”

 

DIRECTOR:
“My remedy is then to pluck it out”

 

AMANDA:
“Ay, if the fool could find it where it lies.”

 

DIRECTOR:
“Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail!”

 

AMANDA:
In his…in…in (she looks at the girls, gesturing to chime in at some point). In…

 

(There’s a beat until Iris, suddenly catching on to Amanda’s plea for help, gets an idea. She begins to recite the lyrics. It’s quiet at first)

 

IRIS:
“Into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive. Carved my name into his leather seats…”
(Iris looks at the other girls for support. Marybeth suddenly chimes in as she finishes Iris’ sentence)

 

MARYBETH:
“I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights. I slashed a hole in all four tires”

 

CARRIE:
(Now jumping in) Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.

 

(Suddenly the girls break out into a rendition of Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood. As they sing, they begin to dance around the table and get in the director’s face. The director is stunned silent)

 

ALL THE GIRLS:
“I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!
'Cause I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
I slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
Oh, maybe next time he'll think-“
(Suddenly the director pops up from his chair)

DIRECTOR:
ALRIGHT! Alright-enough! I get it. You caught me-(Sarcastically) yes congratulations to you four for somehow miraculously showing up to the same god damn audition and finding out my little secret bravo.

 

IRIS:
You son-of-a-bitch. How could you do this to us?! To me! I thought you loved me! We went out to dinner. You met my family! YOU SAID YOU WERE FROM BROOKLYN!

 

MARYBETH:
We would cook dinners together! I thought I found my long-lost love in this great big city! And all the coffee! We drank so much coffee together! I can never look at a Frappuccino again!

 

CARRIE:
You made me feel like what I was doing-how I was helping the planet in my little, personal way-was important. You connected with me. I felt you spiritually (beat), emotionally (beat), Physically…

 

IRIS:
Ok girlfriend I do not need to know about your sex life right now ok.

 

CARRIE:
(Turning back to the director) I thought we had something-something special. You were my Moonstar…

 

(Iris makes a face that looks like she’s about to gag)

 

AMANDA:
And what about me? You told me you loved me. Did you ever? I was-I was going to ask you to move in with me tonight. All this time I thought I finally found the one-the guy who was unlike all the deadbeats and jerks I dated when in reality-you’re worse.

 

(There’s a silence. The girls look to the director who, for this entire scene, has been stoic. Finally, he crosses center stage in between the four girls and speaks)


DIRECTOR:

There’s a reason for this-for all of this. You see, I never loved you-any of you. Sure, we had some good times here and there, but in the end, this was a part of a business plan. You see New York is filled with the most exquisite types of people with the most promising stories-and it’s those people who get their stories on Broadway. The stories of a kid from Jersey who sings like an angel and makes it big, or a girl in a loveless marriage trying to sell her famous pies. Stories of lovers stuck between a heated gang battle, or a barber out for revenge against a man who did him wrong. But me, I wanted to do something different.

 

(he goes over to his desk and pulls out scripts from under the paperwork)


I wanted to write a story about the losers. The people in life who don’t get chances. They just go about their day, doing whatever as they may please. (Beat) You four were perfect pieces to this puzzle I’m building. Girls who live mundane, everyday lives, but are so different-so wacky and weird. I used you to build characters for my next story. A story about New York -City and the everyday people in it. The best way to get you know you all was to date you, and get a real glimpse inside your mind.


(Begins to walk over to the girls one by one)


My, “too tough for love” Brooklyn Bitch. My sweet southern airhead. My (beat) hippie vegan freak. And of course, my average plain jane. You’ve given me enough to work off, and now (scoff) I’m done with you. Thanks for your help ladies. You may now, as they say the theatre world. Exit stage right. It’s been fun.

End Scene Two

 

 

SCENE THREE: BACK IN THE LOBBY

 

(Lights come up and the girls are all standing around back in the lobby of the casting room. They all look defeated)


AMANDA:
Now what?


MARYBETH:
I can’t believe he used us for his story, and called me an airhead! I love those candies!

 

CARRIE:
Do you think we can sue him? You know, for using our stories and personal business in a script?

 

IRIS:
Listen I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows another guy who, if we wanted, could ah, take care of business if you know what I mean.

 

AMANDA:
We all just got dumped Iris-I don’t want to go to prison too

 

IRIS:
I’m just saying-

 

AMANDA:
He may be an asshole, but at least we know now rather than months down the road about him. And hey, we now get to rely on each other to make ourselves feel better-right? (The girls look at her). Look, I’m going to get some lunch down the street. I’m starving and seeing that I won’t be going out for my anniversary, I’d like to eat. Would any of you like to join.

 

IRIS:
I don’t know-only if Sunflower over here will eat a cheeseburger

 

CARRIE:
(Positively shocked) You called me Sunflower?!

 

IRIS:
Yeah I know, don’t remind me. Alright, let’s go, I’m starving.

 

MARYBETH:
Oh! Do you think they have coffee?!

 

AMANDA:
What happened to never drinking coffee again

 

MARYBETH:
Oh shoot I forgot. Well, maybe they have tea?

 

AMANDA:
(Laughing) We can certainly ask

 

Blackout