Monthly Horoscopes

morgan temple

 

 

 


Aries (MARCH 21 - APRIL 19):
This month is a month of growth for those under the sign of Aries. Every day this month, you will improve little by little. However, at this rate, you still won't be a functioning adult for forty more years.


Taurus
(APRIL 20 - MAY 20):
The coming month is a tumultuous time that calls for rational thinking. Taurus should stay focused and make clear decisions; this is no time to be superstitious or to be taking advice from the actual universe.

 

Gemini (MAY 21 - JUNE 20):
Jupiter will be Gemini's ruling planet this month. It resides in the fourth house and has been gathering other planets from the eleventh house to throw a fancy cocktail party. This party will result in good fortune for all those who reside under this sign. However, Geminis are representative of duality. This means only half will enjoy this good fortune. Jupiter has made a sort of party game for his guests in the style of planetary rock, paper, scissors. Good luck figuring out which side you'll end up on.

 

Cancer (JUNE 21 - JULY 22):
This month brings happiness by reconnecting you with a past relationship. Of course, that's until the midpoint of the month, when you slowly begin to realize that this person was your ex for a reason. This will be the year that you grasp the fact that the alignment of the planets has no effect whatsoever on your love life and that no amount of time or gravitational pull will break that man's obsession with Call of Duty.

 

Leo (JULY 23 - AUGUST 22):
With Jupiter at the reins, Leos can expect good fortune throughout the month, until Uranus, the planet of mystery, takes hold of the sign. With Uranus in power you will face many shocking revelations, almost baffling as finding out that tuna is not real chicken, even though it is called chicken of the sea.

 

Virgo (AUGUST 23 - SEPTEMBER 22):
After weeks of preparation, you will finally adventure outside of your comfort zone. With powerful Pluto in charge this month, Virgos should expect to be daring. However, when choosing to go to the beach, make sure it is a nudist beach before stripping down. The planets cannot bail you out of jail.

 

Libra (SEPTEMBER 23 - OCTOBER 22):
Libra's ruling planet this month is Mars, the planet of change. A very special person in your life will try to convince you that horoscopes are pointless, fictitious pieces written by sad interns. Do not listen to them. Remember the stars in the sky know everything, including that your special friend also convinced you to get a tramp stamp. Try changing that one, Libra.

 

Scorpio (OCTOBER 23 - NOVEMBER 21):
This month, Scorpios are in no mood to keep up appearances. With Saturn influencing your sign this month, funds will be lacking. However, deodorant is always a good investment, if you catch my drift.

 

Sagittarius (NOVEMBER 22 - DECEMBER 21):
Sagittarius has several positives to look forward to in the coming months. In other words, it's probably not a great time to get tested for STDs.

 

Capricorn (DECEMBER 22 - JANUARY 19):
With Capricorn residing under the planet Saturn, this month brings with it close family relationships. Capricorns should expect to be bombarded with treasured family time. This may include answering the nagging question of what you will do with your English major, pretending to like that video of your niece's recital, and explaining to your grandparents that they simply can't use that word anymore.

 

Aquarius (JANUARY 20 - FEBRUARY 18):
The water bearer sign will have a truly surprising month. Saturn, your planetary ruler, still nurtures your need for taking the road less traveled. Since the ruling planet is so into surprises and mystery this month, it has requested that all astrologists keep its star signs in the dark about their future. Any complaints can be forwarded to the office of Saturn, which can be reached by yelling into the night sky.

 

Pisces (FEBRUARY 19 - MARCH 20):
Take a moment this month to reflect on the year so far. In the end, this will bring you great fortune. Actually, it won't. You Pisces will believe anything we tell you. The truth is the stars just wanted a vacation from predicting the future.



Morgan Temple is a senior English major with a minor in History. She enjoys cliché horror films and toy hunting.