THE TYPES OF BASTARDS ON THE BLUE ROUTE
The 50-Something Man Reading the Newspaper
Sir, let me first commend you for still picking up that bundle of ink-stained paper every morning. I think it’s wonderful that you won’t let technology take this one simple pleasure away from you. However, I think everyone on the road would prefer to see you read that paper at home while you sit at kitchen table in your matching plaid pajamas, robe, and slippers, rather than while you are driving your silver sedan on your way to your menial job. Quite honestly, I do not feel like being part of the front-page news in that paper you're reading when you swerve and send me into the guardrail.
The 20-Something Girl that is Doing Her Makeup
Girl, let me tell you something. That mascara you are using does nothing for your eyes. If you make it wherever you are going alive, you should definitely stop at the store and get something a little better. That being said, must you really do your makeup in the car? I mean sure, I think most women have put makeup on in the car at some point in their lives, but its normally while the car is completely stopped, turned off, and in a parking lot. You cannot tell me that you couldn’t wake up ten minutes earlier to do your makeup at home. Better yet, in the time it took you to pack your makeup, you probably could have put it on! Anyway, you should just save yourself the trouble and not put mascara on while you’re driving because when you rear end a car and start to cry because daddy is going to kill you, that awful mascara will just make ugly black streaks down that pretty little face of yours.
The Soccer Mom in Her Minivan
Lady, it’s time for a new hairstyle. The Kate Gosselin cut went out of style like eight years ago. I sure hope that your husband, three boys, two girls, dog, and cat aren’t in the car with you right now with how you are driving (the stick figure family on the back window of your minivan is asinine). I just want to let you in on a secret. Maybe it's one you were never taught, or maybe it's teenagers’s just something that you forgot when you bought that gold, top-of-the-line van five years ago, but riding on the bumper of the person in front of you is not going to get where you are going any faster. I have a wonderful solution for you! If you buy yourself a tank, you can just run over all the cars that are in your way. Wait, that won’t work. Tanks don’t come with optional third row seating or power windows. Damn!
The Teenager Texting
Come on now, teenagers are already crappy drivers, but give them a phone and they somehow get worse. From the numerous scratches, busted bumper, and taped on taillight, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve used that fancy new iPhone while driving. When I see teenagers texting while driving, I often wonder what is so important that they can’t wait until they stop. I always come to the conclusion that girls are talking about gossip because we know that every teenage girl lives for gossip! OMG Jess and Joe broke up! I thought they would be together forever! Teenage boys always leave me guessing. If anything, I would assume they are talking about girls. Let’s be real, teenage boys only care about a few things in life, and girls is one of them. My favorite thing to do when I see a teenager texting is to blow the horn. Man, do they freak out when that pretty little phone goes flying just like the fucks I give when I drive by them.
The Aggressive Trucker in the Left Lane
I get it. I really do. Being stuck in the right lane all the time behind the idiots that won’t drive the speed limit really sucks, but guess what? That’s where you are supposed to be! You cutting me off to get around the car in front of you does not help anyone. First, your giant 18-wheeler is not exactly supposed to be going like 75 MPH, yet for some reason, that’s the speed you’re going. Secondly, now that you are out in this lane, you are never going to be able to get back over. Do you know how hard it is to find a hole big enough for you to get back to the right? You know what? It’s alright. I will just call that number on the How’s My Driving? sticker plastered on the back of your truck and tell them that you should be fired. But, hey, you might make a great taxi driver in New York City. You definitely have similar driving styles.
Sarah Alstrom is a senior English major with a concentration in writing. She enjoys shopping, road-trips, and searching for vampires.
